happy me decided to post another entry today:)
aching feeling is gradually fading as im suppressing it. and i seem to be doing quite well.
today's gp was mind-blowing...i mean it. Drilling...sentence structuring...never thought that a sentence means soo soo much and there is so much within it. Awesome. This is the word to describe it. Anyway, as usual, I nearly lost my way..luckily i follwed that gay guy in the bus, and alighted at the same stop as him. phew...anyway, for your information, i didnt know that guy. It's just that his dressing is soo...eye-catching..big big specs..gelled up hair..high cut pants..and that werid bag. and the way he shakes his butt as he walks....erm..one word: awesome?? how to shake in such a manner..i really dunno. even women with big butt dun walked in that manner.
hmm..fly away..fly away...:) went jp today...once again, im super terrified by the amount of people coming out of the train carriages..and swarming towards you...and you happened to be against the flow.oh gosh..anyway, i managed to get my high cut jeans...yeah..another pair of new jeans..added to my limited collection of jean..:) walked home from outram..long long walk.
dreams are reflections of what you are thinking of, in the day. it's true. :)
I just wanna embrace. :)
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Darkest secrets
Yesterday was a horrible day for me. Everything just seem to collasp..first, it's the person i saw early in the morning, and aching starts. Then, it's the mental block..super upset that i couldnt even do simple maths questions...then it was the stressful econs due to the fact that liz was next to me, her presence alone just stresses me out...Trying to run away..and convince myself that im not stressed. In the end, im stressed because im not stressed enough. ( talked that out with michelle peg and realised we are having same feelings).Anyway, im trying to face up to reality and be the real me once again.
Trying to think super a lot yesterday. thinking hard, thinking deep. And finally realised that everything was actually in the same pattern, it is just that the people are different. IM IMPULSIVE. that 's what i am. and that's why i often regret what i have done, and what i have not done. When im impulsive, i do things that i regret. And what im not impulsive, i still do things wrongly. So what's wrong with me?
Anyway, i guessed that it's the first relationships that always molded what type of people you later liked...same for friends and lovers..isnt it? It's the same for me.
Yesterday's talk with karmen really make me better a bit. Thank you gal, for letting me call you in the night and continue rambling and rambling, until later in the night. Fond memories recalled and they seem to cheer me up a bit. call it self-deception if you want. But now, i just wanna forget and let go. Im tired of doing anymore things already. I admit that i like him. I admit that im stubborn. But so?
According to economic theory, an investment is only worthwhile when there is a possible rate of return. And for this, i spent months and months and even a year trying to see. And i dun. And what i asked, i still cant catch the hint that the person is just to hint, just call me dumb. Anyway, im letting go now, though it's not my character to let things go easily..but i figured that if im going to hold on further, im just going to hurt myself further, as his actions always seem to have an impact on me..what he says do affect my judgement..and it's wrong in a sense. We should not be influenced that easily. I tried to act that im not affected but i am.
And though some may argued that love isnt all about inputs equal outputs..but im a maths person. Call me practical if you want. But what i truly need is security. ( erm i meant the general feeling, and not that person..=P )..
Im gonna move on. Im gonna move on. This is the sentence that im gonna remember.
And...i realised that b's blog sorta gave me lots of advice on things..i sorta infer them myself..anyway, i like that part whereby he said that we only need to remember three things:
1) Focus
2) Hope
3) Care
:) anyway, fond memories recall. I sorta recall the times whereby he just happily walked and led me into a pillar.
hmm one thing down. Now it's the other thing, same in nature.
As for that, it's just a big big irony. But what i can say is that, he's the one that truly affect my mood as well. But the aching is much more...okay, i shall not elaborate. K shall know how disturbed and affected i am.
Let go. And let the wind blow everything away. And be happy. :)
Finally managed to think things out. yeah...
Trying to think super a lot yesterday. thinking hard, thinking deep. And finally realised that everything was actually in the same pattern, it is just that the people are different. IM IMPULSIVE. that 's what i am. and that's why i often regret what i have done, and what i have not done. When im impulsive, i do things that i regret. And what im not impulsive, i still do things wrongly. So what's wrong with me?
Anyway, i guessed that it's the first relationships that always molded what type of people you later liked...same for friends and lovers..isnt it? It's the same for me.
Yesterday's talk with karmen really make me better a bit. Thank you gal, for letting me call you in the night and continue rambling and rambling, until later in the night. Fond memories recalled and they seem to cheer me up a bit. call it self-deception if you want. But now, i just wanna forget and let go. Im tired of doing anymore things already. I admit that i like him. I admit that im stubborn. But so?
According to economic theory, an investment is only worthwhile when there is a possible rate of return. And for this, i spent months and months and even a year trying to see. And i dun. And what i asked, i still cant catch the hint that the person is just to hint, just call me dumb. Anyway, im letting go now, though it's not my character to let things go easily..but i figured that if im going to hold on further, im just going to hurt myself further, as his actions always seem to have an impact on me..what he says do affect my judgement..and it's wrong in a sense. We should not be influenced that easily. I tried to act that im not affected but i am.
And though some may argued that love isnt all about inputs equal outputs..but im a maths person. Call me practical if you want. But what i truly need is security. ( erm i meant the general feeling, and not that person..=P )..
Im gonna move on. Im gonna move on. This is the sentence that im gonna remember.
And...i realised that b's blog sorta gave me lots of advice on things..i sorta infer them myself..anyway, i like that part whereby he said that we only need to remember three things:
1) Focus
2) Hope
3) Care
:) anyway, fond memories recall. I sorta recall the times whereby he just happily walked and led me into a pillar.
hmm one thing down. Now it's the other thing, same in nature.
As for that, it's just a big big irony. But what i can say is that, he's the one that truly affect my mood as well. But the aching is much more...okay, i shall not elaborate. K shall know how disturbed and affected i am.
Let go. And let the wind blow everything away. And be happy. :)
Finally managed to think things out. yeah...
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Looooooove
Hmm these few days had been rather like...an emotional roller coaster for all of us....and i mean everyone that had or has been involved in various incidents. Im still confused over what exactly happened..like what actually happened, sources, causes, effect and the overall impacts ( at least this is how i analyse data in a sense)..and sometimes i think knowing a bit will help, im just confused now.
Confused over everything. Not really really affected by the clique thing. the prob seems to have sprung out from no where and suddenly everything just came crashing down. Nevertheless, there is a inner voice within me, telling me to help fix things up. Currently no solution though of yet, but im gonna try to fix the prob up a bit..up to the extent whereby we are able to face each other instead of avoiding...each group one side, leaving poor me stranded between two islands.......
everyone is at fault. this is a fair statement. im at fault too, for nt knowing what to do.
just praying for help.
Besides, this clique problem that is quite problematic, still got more problems..like stress from the upcoming exams, and more inner stuff. Rather kek yesterday...after realising that i like and i dont like. Still confused, but i guess that it's time i let my heart rule for once. My heart just ached and ached.
It is not that sudden ache within. Instead, the ache started out gradually...then it increases in intensity..until you just dont feel like doing anything. Rather stupid me....and up to now, i still cant imagine that i actually told other my darkest secrets..it's supposedly to be my darkest secrets..but i guessed that yesterday i was simply too tired and kek and stressed that i just said parts of my darkest secrets....
oh well..if that person ever leak out, then i shall make sure that person.......die lor.
hmm i just cant help but feel that my heart is aching. Torn between my heart and head. Just those two letters are able to make my heart ache.
The best thing is: I dunno what to do. Help me..God....:(
Confused over everything. Not really really affected by the clique thing. the prob seems to have sprung out from no where and suddenly everything just came crashing down. Nevertheless, there is a inner voice within me, telling me to help fix things up. Currently no solution though of yet, but im gonna try to fix the prob up a bit..up to the extent whereby we are able to face each other instead of avoiding...each group one side, leaving poor me stranded between two islands.......
everyone is at fault. this is a fair statement. im at fault too, for nt knowing what to do.
just praying for help.
Besides, this clique problem that is quite problematic, still got more problems..like stress from the upcoming exams, and more inner stuff. Rather kek yesterday...after realising that i like and i dont like. Still confused, but i guess that it's time i let my heart rule for once. My heart just ached and ached.
It is not that sudden ache within. Instead, the ache started out gradually...then it increases in intensity..until you just dont feel like doing anything. Rather stupid me....and up to now, i still cant imagine that i actually told other my darkest secrets..it's supposedly to be my darkest secrets..but i guessed that yesterday i was simply too tired and kek and stressed that i just said parts of my darkest secrets....
oh well..if that person ever leak out, then i shall make sure that person.......die lor.
hmm i just cant help but feel that my heart is aching. Torn between my heart and head. Just those two letters are able to make my heart ache.
The best thing is: I dunno what to do. Help me..God....:(
Sunday, July 16, 2006
werid dreams these days..oh well.
hmm thinking a lot again. thinking is good for me, and i realised that being quiet and isolated can be good for me too. I dunno why, but at times, im isolated yet im happy. hmm..reflecting a lot, about core values, beahavious and actions.
first thing: so wad if the skirt is long? there's a period of time whereby we wear long skirts too...and your identity is not just about how short your skirt is. If your identity is just about how short your skirt is, then im sorry that you are simply superfical...so in this case, you are known as?? 23 cm? 24cm, depending on your skirt's length.
it's just tragic, on how people comment about other people and failed to look at themselves. It applies to everyone.
currently surfing the net for suitable pictures..hahas..super funny la..random surfing.
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i dunno why, but think that everything is a big big irony. hahas...it's like i always take everything for granted, and failed to recognise his impact in my life. Then when everything is lost, it's too late for everything already. Perhaps this is human nature- taking things for granted. And only realising their significance when everything is lost.
i think that back part is worse. Nvm, it's time to move on. i think.
Randomly writin here and there, i guess that this blog entry title shall be : I wanna know.
hmm thinking a lot again. thinking is good for me, and i realised that being quiet and isolated can be good for me too. I dunno why, but at times, im isolated yet im happy. hmm..reflecting a lot, about core values, beahavious and actions.
first thing: so wad if the skirt is long? there's a period of time whereby we wear long skirts too...and your identity is not just about how short your skirt is. If your identity is just about how short your skirt is, then im sorry that you are simply superfical...so in this case, you are known as?? 23 cm? 24cm, depending on your skirt's length.
it's just tragic, on how people comment about other people and failed to look at themselves. It applies to everyone.
currently surfing the net for suitable pictures..hahas..super funny la..random surfing.
-
i dunno why, but think that everything is a big big irony. hahas...it's like i always take everything for granted, and failed to recognise his impact in my life. Then when everything is lost, it's too late for everything already. Perhaps this is human nature- taking things for granted. And only realising their significance when everything is lost.
i think that back part is worse. Nvm, it's time to move on. i think.
Randomly writin here and there, i guess that this blog entry title shall be : I wanna know.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
the fear of hospital
the brightly painted red walls reminded me of the smell of blood, the shuffling of papers and the calling out of names seemed to hide the silence of death, while the faint fragrance in the air lingered in my nose. that's the place i hate most. i dunno why, but after this trip, i sorta think that doctors are not a soo nice bunch of people. to be precise, they are pretentious.
waited for a long long time today..long enough for u to take a 2.4 km run..or rather 16 of 2.4 km run( assuming that you take 15 min to run 2.4km)..super long la. it's crazy, and it seemed that hospital visits are like..trying to kill the patients instead of helping them. first you let them wait and wait until hope is lost, or when their blood are boiling..my mother's blood just boiled. and u guys knew what happened next. thank god, nothing happen else.
anyway, i took 5 photos ( black and white) in total..to be exact, they are black and white photos in bio terms- xrays. 3 short ones ( side view..of my spine) and 2 long ones ( front vview of my spine). There's one incident that i even had to hug that stupid block of thingy!! and those two stupid nurses were looking at me in that manner as though im a freak that just miraclously survived. it's only a curved spine. a mild one, and im grateful for that. It's not a sarcastic remark. i meant it, because i saw the girl who went into the room before me. Her back was soo bent that she looked as though she aged a lot. And she's only 12. It's really painful to have such a back. Trust me, coz i only got a mild curved back and im shouting in pain ( sorry, i dun scream)..so if my back is soo bent..i really dunno what to do.
it's increasingly frustrating at times as how time seems to crawl outside the doctor's room, while time seems to fly when you are in there. Great difference. Doctors, at times can be nice, yet not so nice at most of the times. Arrogant- is the word to describe them.
At least for the time being, until i see the other side of them ( if i ever do).
At times, it seems that fame and being humble are two conflicting goals. They seem to be on a collision course. It's like when people are famous, they are arrogant. ( though humble at times, just to make sure that their images are within a certain social-recognised standard or something.) ..maybe it's just me, having this flawed view.
and oh yes, im super blur this morning. it's like i slept at 6 yesterday and woke up at 7.30 this morning. and i woke up, thinking that it's evening, and called my sis, only to find out that it's morning. oh well, blur me la.
ask and you will receive.
waited for a long long time today..long enough for u to take a 2.4 km run..or rather 16 of 2.4 km run( assuming that you take 15 min to run 2.4km)..super long la. it's crazy, and it seemed that hospital visits are like..trying to kill the patients instead of helping them. first you let them wait and wait until hope is lost, or when their blood are boiling..my mother's blood just boiled. and u guys knew what happened next. thank god, nothing happen else.
anyway, i took 5 photos ( black and white) in total..to be exact, they are black and white photos in bio terms- xrays. 3 short ones ( side view..of my spine) and 2 long ones ( front vview of my spine). There's one incident that i even had to hug that stupid block of thingy!! and those two stupid nurses were looking at me in that manner as though im a freak that just miraclously survived. it's only a curved spine. a mild one, and im grateful for that. It's not a sarcastic remark. i meant it, because i saw the girl who went into the room before me. Her back was soo bent that she looked as though she aged a lot. And she's only 12. It's really painful to have such a back. Trust me, coz i only got a mild curved back and im shouting in pain ( sorry, i dun scream)..so if my back is soo bent..i really dunno what to do.
it's increasingly frustrating at times as how time seems to crawl outside the doctor's room, while time seems to fly when you are in there. Great difference. Doctors, at times can be nice, yet not so nice at most of the times. Arrogant- is the word to describe them.
At least for the time being, until i see the other side of them ( if i ever do).
At times, it seems that fame and being humble are two conflicting goals. They seem to be on a collision course. It's like when people are famous, they are arrogant. ( though humble at times, just to make sure that their images are within a certain social-recognised standard or something.) ..maybe it's just me, having this flawed view.
and oh yes, im super blur this morning. it's like i slept at 6 yesterday and woke up at 7.30 this morning. and i woke up, thinking that it's evening, and called my sis, only to find out that it's morning. oh well, blur me la.
ask and you will receive.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
hey ya! gonna type a short blog entry this time *(i hope).
football fever: It's getting hotter and hotter, as the hours flew by..
hahas..still cant imagine that i actually missed the match between germany and portugal! haiz, forgot to wake up, too late liao:( at least, this reason is better than the one whereby i set my alarm but didnt switch it oN! :(
anyway, tml's match, im gonna make sure that i set lots of alarms here and there, and ON them! :)..did a bit of reflection today, sorta werid, but there's seem to be a feeling encouraging me to do so.
reflected on how i handled things, my attitude, my actions, my thoughts......i think i just need to look at the bigger bigger picture and work towards it. short term versus short term goals...
it's just like short terms benefits versus long term benefits..this theory applies to every single thing in life..including the relationship with God. That's how i feel.
Started to read the first page of gp package..oh man, that topic is boring. i would rather be doing maths.
oh yes, i was so shocked yesterday when i saw someone looking like brandon at bishan yesterday, near the sport complex (i think...)...brandon-look-alike..!! 80% look-alike..i should have snap a shot of tat person and showed him..=P
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the art of flying a kite.
football fever: It's getting hotter and hotter, as the hours flew by..
hahas..still cant imagine that i actually missed the match between germany and portugal! haiz, forgot to wake up, too late liao:( at least, this reason is better than the one whereby i set my alarm but didnt switch it oN! :(
anyway, tml's match, im gonna make sure that i set lots of alarms here and there, and ON them! :)..did a bit of reflection today, sorta werid, but there's seem to be a feeling encouraging me to do so.
reflected on how i handled things, my attitude, my actions, my thoughts......i think i just need to look at the bigger bigger picture and work towards it. short term versus short term goals...
it's just like short terms benefits versus long term benefits..this theory applies to every single thing in life..including the relationship with God. That's how i feel.
Started to read the first page of gp package..oh man, that topic is boring. i would rather be doing maths.
oh yes, i was so shocked yesterday when i saw someone looking like brandon at bishan yesterday, near the sport complex (i think...)...brandon-look-alike..!! 80% look-alike..i should have snap a shot of tat person and showed him..=P
-
the art of flying a kite.
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