a new day:) actually i just cant imagine that tomorrow will be the start of exams le..it's like..too fast...and obviously im not prepared..im like kinda expecting to get a cap of 1.5 loh...anyway, nvm i will work harder the next sem. or rather i shld say i will start to work next sem? hahas..

to digress a bit, today's weather is nice...and im kinda still half awake , still dreaming of nice green fields, lots of sunshine and laughter. just weird dreams. and i even dream of the question paper for computing, hope it comes out though. got a weird feeling abt it. hahas...anyway, everything seems to happen too fast, isnt it? suddenly, it seems as though yesterday the blur stupid me just learnt a bit of computing and tomorrow im going for the exams...hahas..and to make things crazy, im actually looking forward to it. secretly i like computing no matter how many times i flunked it. cozz i know that i flunked it coz im nervous not coz i cant do. anyway, im not going to get nervous again..no way...feeling kinda emo too..thought computing is kinda 'fun', but i guess maybe in the near future i wont really do any programming course..killed too many brain cells le..anyway, im just talking nonsense here, so if you happen to read this, just skip. anyway, it's my blog:)

joy..joy..joy...what's joy?
life ...life..life..what's life?
random questions...guess that there's no correct or wrong answers to them. but i hope that one day someone will show me what it is. :)

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enough of random thinking..and bitching...enough of emo.
just random surfing and i saw someone post this question on his/her blog...dunno whether it's her/his....

if today is the last day:
i will do computing:)

Hope

hope keeps you alive when you are already drowning in a pile ..okies, more than one pile of undone notes. hope keeps you sane even though how much you want to let go. hope:)
hmm thiiiink that for these past few days...especially these days, my emotional status *(is this how i call it? oh well)* anyway it feels like a rollercoaster ride. in fact i think everything is like a rollercoaster ride. studying is bad. hahas..its up then its down. it's up again and it's down again. im going crazy totally already.i just need a bottle of vodka.wait, maybe more than one. i just want to not think abt anything and get completely knocked out.

hmmm...anyway, while im like stuck at home studying, my mind is like planning what to do le...the things i will do the min the exams are over: and i mean the min it's over which is 3 dec 07, at 11.01 am. i will draw out my savings from the bank and go shopping!
plan:
bugis, and orchard. :) simple plan. hahas...provided that it doesnt rain that day. i dun like shopping on rainy days! :)

hmm today's integration day!! crazy le, anw i went to read my tutor's blog...it's like darn f*** vulgar..hahas..but it reflects the world's most honest thoughts...and in thoughts that you thought of...and you never said it out loud. quite interesting.

hope keeps me alive now. at least for the time being. i need more hope:)
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i was like on the bus with my friend yesterday after one day of mugging in the lib. and i started the conversation on how time really flies. i was saying it seems as though something...*(well i forgot la...) and she replied," to me, it seems as though sch just started yesterday and now, it's going to be examinations le."..haiz how true it is.

im like listening to jay chou's new album..im going to buy it and buy a mp3player too!:)
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when the curtains drop from above, and the audience is gone, what's left? I woke up today with this question. and strange enough, i didnt dream anything abt integration though i did like 10h of integration. im having weird dreams..the previous time i dreamt of computin stuff...:)crazy me.

im dreaming of a wide green field.:)

hmm blogstalking a bit:) anyway, it really feels good to even touch the com after studying from 9 -9...hmm and i only covered 2.5 chapters? productivity drops..hmm but it feels to talk to someone after facing only my books, my notes, myself and the cubicle for 10 whole hours, after substracting the hours i take to snack, lunch,and dine.:)anyway, its stupid la, coz i happily went out of the library, leaving my cashcard, matrice card and ezlink card on the table. hmm thank god it's still there when i came back, and obviously i went back into the lib with the help of the librarian. darn stupid and embarrassing la. stupid blur me.

anyway, summary of what i studied.:
1) differenatiation is boring.applications of it is worse.
2) integration is nice, though it's troublesome.
3) i kept thinking of you no matter what i do. now, i just want to erase every trace of you from my mind, my thgts...coz my brain is running out of space le.

sometimes it's irritating when you tried hard to concentrate and your mind is filled of only one thing which is not your study material...and how come it feels as though im sitting for As? i promised myself that i will work harder next sem.

and looking at other ppl blogs, i just want to apply for NOC or SEP....i want to go over and study too!!! im not prepared to do that now..obviously..im not independent and will most prob die overseas or something..but i will try to attain this mini-goal by the end of 4 years:)

:) haiz im having a huge breakout.....:( too stressed le.

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lonely

hmm i just dunnow why but feel a bit moody, gloomy today:( ...mild 'depression' ba..feeling a bit lost.and im having the -please Huiling..you know how it feels if you ever fall into that pit, coz you had fell into others before..so don't fall in- feeling..haiz figure out that you guys wont really understand what im saying la.

sometimes im happy just coz you brighten my day.i know tat im just pure silly.
hmm anyway, did nothing much. and as usual, im addicted to the com...and happily running my programs on drjava..did com again, instead of caculus.darn sad...that i didnt do calculus, yet happy that i did computing. crazy feeling...

hmm suddenly i feel that christmas is coming. as in...really coming. which is like a mth more?
hmm maybe it's the cold weather these days:)

hmm another day passed:) anyway, great day today!! i had not tried to do computing the entire day until today. totally brain dead now:) but im happy.hahas...not coz i did computing la.:) secret. anyway, met my com tutor in biz canteen today and me and my friend have dinner with him. he is darn funny la...talking about his uni life, about he not su-ing that killer jap class...darn funny and saying something abt being single so that you children won't have to suffer from the impact of the earth dying or something. anyway, it's just cool sitting with your tutor talking about other stuff than computing..talking about life, scary NUS pple, and even marriage...he was kinda not optimistic abt mariage...and asked how we know the one we meet eventually will be the One...and at that point of time, i just can't believe that what i told him was: that feeling comes from within and we will know it. and after you experienced it, you said exactly the opposite of what you are saying now..i think i told him this..hahas..oh well...anyway, my tutor is seriously darn funny...and we just talked abt random stuff like losing weight during exams? random.

and before that, we have com consulation with our lecturer.i think we made him brain-dead. we went thru like 4 exam papers? hahas..jia you jia you!!!mugging calculus tml!!yea!

its pretty weird...finally finish one computing paper.took like 5 hours, instead of the usual 2 hours? coz my mind is kinda thinking of other stuff, other pple, and random thgts...hahas so i decided to draw a little....and i ended up with a christmas tree. it just reminds me of the huge one that i draw this morning at the sky park of vivocity. simply soo greeen...hahas...i like green stuff..im a very nature person mah...

hmm im so going to sch tml...:) hang on tight!! hopes keeps me alive:)

hmm currently listening to jay chou's songs. just realised that im never sick of his songs. perhaps it's the xuan lu..hahas..hmm finally managed to push myself to do some computing today:)coz it's hard to do computing after maths...both topics are sort of similar in nature and they compete for space in my brain. hmm to my horror, i can do most of the computing paper test2, the test which i just passed only.*(okies i always just pass my computing like 15/30?)and i know why. it's not that i cant do it, it's coz of my insecurity and stress. did i tell u that everytime i sit for my computing test, there's always weird ppl that sat around me? they stressed me out. the previous time was a guy that kept raising his hands during the test to ask questions, and kept shaking his legs...and the previous previous time was a guy that kept coughing. ....it's not that im hyper sensitive or what..hmm...if that happen during the exams again, i swear that i will smack that person the min the exam ends. and i never make empty promises. an angry woman is a dangerous woman.

hahas..mugging today while there's renovation today...next door. crazy me le. :)
went to vivo for breakfast. and i simply love it...love standing on the rooftop looking at the wide sea...while the wind blows....simply feel great:) and today's weather is pretty good..cool:)

i think im going to mug in sch tml till late. enough of renovation le.

hmm second day. went for consulation:) hahas feeling much better le, after the prof cleared most of my doubts.:) hahaas...studying programming now. though i dun really do well in this subject, i liked it:) it's nice..and interesting thought it's a bit irritating, frustrating (to the extent that sometimes i want to pull my hair out..but...but...)i liked it. and as i always say, liking is a feeling that comes from within, it's unexplainable, it must be irrational *(talking abt irrational..i confuse with irrational and complex numbers and the prof 'scolded' me..hahas...he's darn funny. with his funny accent)*..hahas..irrational happy me. okies i declared that i have reached the highest level of stress le...when i reached the highest level, i get high and irrational.:)

when exams are over, im going to buy:
1) more clothes. enough of dresses. im getting jeans, jackets and bags.
2) a new haircut. though i just got one. Im thinking of dying my hair:)
3) a mp3 player:) seeriously in need of one....
4) many cds:)
5) .....*(to be filled in later:)

random thgts:
All the while we search for something that is not out there, but just in front of us.
Right in front of us, yet we fail to notice it.

hmm i saw the picture of seoul today....so beautiful:)
hmm next time if i ever get to move overseas, i will stay in the wild.hmm wait a minute, wild...as in.....rural areas...i hate overpopulated areas. i like those houses that are spaced out, not too cramped together.:)i want to live by a lake!!*But judging the rate at which the lakes, seas around the world are drying out..hmm...i want to live in Venice. think it's pretty cool to hang out in that city:)

suddenly i want christmas to come.:)i want to go on a holiday like now!!! but it will only happen after the exams..then i will go to Disneyland and shop till i drop in Hongkong..hmm im going to buy till i spent every single cent!! hmm...

and just realised that im binging again. oh no...:(it's not like im getting fat...but im just eating to release stress.....like eating every other hour?like breakfast, then lunch then teabreak...........and so on?? binging is bad bad...waste of food *(considering the fact that i don't really absorb much of it...coz i eat too quickly and too much??)

hmm...got to go le....

tonnes of stuff, limited time. mugging time.:(
hmm i realised that i cant live without the internet...without my lappy too.:( haiz...
linear alegbra, guassian elimination,subspaces, linear spans, transformations...makes me sigh. haiz. haiz haiz HAIX!!!

hmm...i think i need to ELMINATE every random thought in my head about going shopping...or even try to reach out for my com or the tv. and i need to SPAN my head with lots of information..TRANSFORM myself into a superwoman, remembering weird theories..and turning myself into a SUBSPACE...self-sufficient. :(

:(

hmm last day of sch le:) skipped a couple of lectures...just wanted to stop for a while, rest for a while:) haix..got so much to say but i dun really noe where to start from. yest was truly a day of full events, not just full of lectures...7 hours of lecture straight with 1 h break in between. last lectures and so on. hmm...and someone told me: endings exist so that beginning will come. when i heard it, im like huh? but i sort of understand what the person meant:) anyway, i love fridays:)

blogger always eat up my post! tried to post two posts yesterday but got eaten up:( it's not the poor internet connection and it's not my com, so it must be blogger.hahas..anyway, yesterday was a weird day...:)no wednesday is completed without going for com consulation or trying to rush out coursemarker..or even do computing. hahas...crazy me. anyway, im forever blur..took me like just yesterday to figure out that i actually dont have any more chinese lessons to go for..so instead i just sat in sci canteen and started binging....and the next tables people were like looking at me, coz after i ate one plate, i go get one more plate. and i kept going till im full.which is like after a few plates:P...then i went to practise for matlab coz i heard that the quiz is going to be darn difficult and from those that have taken the quiz, they said that practise is needed and time management is needed too*(which is the both i lacked)* so i practised from 2-4...then i sat for the quiz, which is to my disappointment. coz it's bascially a copy of the notes given except for a change in a few numbers here and there. the method to solve the questions using matlab was exactly the same...even the question is the same..you can tell when you read through the notes questions many times, n noticed that they just change one number. one number. and so i only took half the time given to finish the quiz, before checking.so in short, i did the quiz twice. hahas...crazy le..

and i watched titanic...that long movie. though i watched it many times, i just couldn't stop crying everytime i watched it. oh well...

today's the last thurs of the academic week. darn sad. everyone's leaving..or rather disappearing!!! but i believe that it's a new beginning.

:)

Ever thought what you are doing now is indeed what you wanted to do?
hmm today is thinking day..at least for me. thought abt many things...way too many things. academic stuff, my life, and mostly my identity. who i am....hmm im a thinker lah, so thinking deeply is sometimes good, coz it gives me a chance to sort out stuff, ,my thinking, getting things organised.

who i am. good question. im still searching for the answer. but now i know what i want. at times i thought that what i wanted, wasn't really i wanted. (sounds a bit confusing? hahas) hahas but now i strongly know what i want. I'm taking charge of it. :) and knowing what i want gives me strength. coz when you have a dream or a goal , it gives you strength when you feel that you don't have the energy to go on further(when work starts to pile on). and it gives you direction when you are feeling lost. it just gives you motivation to go on. :)

I believe that as long as i don't give up, i will achieve what i want.
I believe that when i attempt the difficult, i will attain the impossible.:) stretching beyond your limits:)
And I believe in God.
My fav verse:

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, t
hey will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

Now, i see my goal more clearly than ever. I have a dream.

strangely i dreamt that i was in a garden full of allium!

hmm blogging time. blogging= destressing time. thinking of rambling abt things a bit in here, before going off to do my chinese stuff...me and chinese and tonnes of chinese sentences and dictionary:( haix life is like this. whether we like it a lot, no matter what happens, life goes on, everyone goes on. so what if you are sad and emo? *(i admit that im sad and emo for a long time within..it's just that it deeply buried within....anyway enough of unhappy stuff:) got quite a few hints from god..I was like praying for him to help me...and i came across this article(which is quite rare, coz i hate reading...reading textbks....newspapers...everything...even question papers..hahas...) and it says: Event + Response = Outcome.

Hmm sounds true....:) and im recently addicted to too many stuff le...and one of my most favourite song is Brave by Idina Menzel....I like the lyrics..they meant a lot:)

After the test and makeup lecture today, i went home and sketch and draw a little...hmm too lazy to bring out all the painting stuff or oil pastels..so i simply used color pencils...and the pictures looked a bit kiddy though... and i made another copy for my friend as an encouragment. to her...*(pls: cheer up k?:)

hahas

後視鏡裏的世界 越來越遠的道別
你轉身向背 側臉還是很美
l我用眼光去追 竟聽見你的淚
在車窗外面排徊 是我錯失的機會
你站的方位 跟我中間隔著淚
街景一直在後退 你的崩潰在窗外零碎

我一路向北 離開有你的季節
你說你好累 已無法再愛上誰
風在山路吹 過往的畫面全都是我不對
細數慚愧 我傷你幾回

我一路向北 離開有你的季節
方向盤周圍 回轉著我的後悔
我加速超越 卻甩不掉緊緊跟隨的傷悲
細數慚愧 我傷你幾回
停止狼狽 就讓錯純粹

hahas im simply in love with this song. :) computing is bad...bad for the eyes, the brain:( but i still have to study it.:( haiz...

so many things to blog abt...so many things not going smooth(anyway in life, what goes on smoothly)...:)

let me know the other side of u:)

:D

hmm i think i secretly loved operas....and all those things that maybe those of a much older older age than me would love. hahas....i like listening to this guy: Andrea Bocelli. He's damm good, his voice is darn nice.....and he hits all the darn darn high notes that i cant reach(okies...i cant sing to begin with) And one of my fav is: Amapola...this song is soo nice:)

secrets:)

hmm im addicted to gong s. hmm it's just a silly show..but i liked it.hahas...same for gong. realised that im always a bit laggy*(most prob coz im always too lazy to buy the vcd..might as well watch on tv right?)* hahas....this show is darn funny la and it never fails to cheer me up:) hmm lots of things to do..:(PE coming up and i have got a presentation on fri!! it's on electromagnetic cloaking..and i know nothing about it.:(i realy wanted to cry,but couldn't.Once i started crying, i can't stop.Electromagnetic cloaking..and a thin physics book(for grads..)that im supposed to read, tonnes of unknown weird eqns,..hmm sounds horrible. so i spent the whole of fri night reading my maths. feel much better:) i just love it when im doing something i love:) and realised that the more i read maths, the more i realised what i knew before is incomplete..:)hahas...what's infinity and power of zero to zero? or even infinity to power of infinity?hmm...

life is just like a rollercoaster ride....

random thgts

hmm emo me..hahas..just dunno why but sometimes im just emo, maybe it's all the time around this period of time. just watched a show, and nearly burst into tears..(*im a very sensitive person within....hmm..)as i saw the guy and his3 kids trying to get together once again after his wife died from blood cancer. it's pretty touching...at least to me...seeing how the guy trying to cope with the loss of his wife, and having to take care of his 3 kids..being jobless and the entire neighbourhood chipping in...helping him to raise funds....and the abc crew building a new hse for him.

hmm all in all, i finally realised something. God is always here and he cares. He never leaves us. :)

in the very end.

chill..chill...hmm...got soo much things to rush out, and im getting a bit panicky coz im not panicky. the prob is that i haven been listening to the chinese lec, and went to the chinese tut without knowing what's happening..and now within 2 days...or rather it's one..i have to come out with something...and to make things worse..it stands abt 15% of my final grade? hmm sounds a bit scary. but i think i gained something.

during these past few days, im been questioning myself again what i really want...and i even dreamt about myself thinking..freaky...but i somehow got the answer. The passion is within...it's hidden, waiting to be released...just like a gem hidden beneath the surface of the soil....and im sort of feeling it:) hahas...dunno...la..

went for retail therapy on sat..shopped and bought tonnes of stuff...just ask my friends..hahas...
and to be truthful, for the very first time, i could finally laugh, or even smile, without forcing myself. to be even more truthful, i haven been happy ever since school starts, let alone smiling...hmm i seriously think that im like wearing a thick thick mask to sch...what pple see me as, may not be the real me.

do you know the real me?

sometimes when it's quiet, so quiet that you can hear the clock ticking, and darkness surrounds, those thoughts would just flood my mind once again, and again it just ached badly..okies im not making sense....its just that aching feeling and what-if-i-did-that-instead or the-if-only-i-could-turn-back-time....the ache just goes on...and the world just goes on...and our life just goes on, as though nothing has happened. that's life...it goes on and on...

just remembered that my friend once told me that change is the only thing constant...and i thgt its like crappy..duh...but i really understand it fully.

i shall just go back to my painting...and just realised that one can never listen to emo songs when you are emo..emo songs makes you more emo:(

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heard someone talking about birth and death this morning..quite true (in fact i think i hear it before leh)...
which is when one comes to the world, he is crying while the rest are smiling. and when one leaves the world,he is smiling while the rest are crying. hmm....i strongly believe that the end is only a beginning. it's one big circle. okies...enough of crapping le...back to my assignment...tata.
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everything in my life is getting kinda screwy. maybe not just a bit, but a lot. suddenly, i just lost pace, slipping down, just like falling down a spiral staircase, where you never stop till you reach the bottom. hmm..currently i think i haven reach the bottom, prob need more help from friends. but sometimes it doesnt help coz they are in diff situation as me, n most prob they never know what is happening, or never experience what im feeling. seriouslu, i have this feeling before, which is a bit better, when i was preparing for my A levels. but now every single thing is in such a mess that i really dunno where to start from...where to start solving the prob. darn emo.:(

somehow i seemed to lose that passion within me, and i need it back. somehow i sorta regretted everything and question myself whether what i have chose is what i reallly really want, deep down in my heart. I questioned myself many times and i haven got a reply. maybe one day i will have the answers.

Having a goal in life or something that you strongly believe in or what, keeps you there, even when the going gets tough. I have a vague idea of what I want and yet i dunno what i have. sounds confusing? hahas.

no matter what happens now, i just gotta hang on:)