hmm...rather frustrated today although today is supposed to be a happy day considering the fact that we all went for breakfast together early in the morning and claire n jadee went shopping with me..

hmm...so far no one really laughed at my stupid fringe and hair cut...breakfast in the morning was good and bad...good for all the laughing, teasing, screaming and shouting....bad for all breakfast..ermm..eeee...i hate vegetables...and the bitter coffee..i guess that it taste better when anything is not added to it afterall...walked there and took a bus back..thgt that we r late for gp..but realised that we are 'early' in the sense that not many were punctual enough...boring gp..

after that..went for lunch with jadee and clairy at bugis junction..walked and saw many earrings...and necklaces..and stuff..later after all, jadee left..while me and clairy carried on shopping..went to far east...in fact i brought her there!!!! i got a bit of direction sense after all....

at far east...we saw lots of earrings..shoes.. more than hundreds..of them..hm..went to ck tang...and saw more earrings and shoes..later went to suntec to meet up with my mum for more shopping...more earrings and shoes..and in the end, i bought one pair of nice earrings at far east la.....super nice! clairy chose it for me!

went to eat with mummy...korean stuff la..and went home...where all the frustration begins...the guilt trap....all those words" You don't appreciate me"...."You treat me like a servant.."..it's not that i don't help with housework..in fact i didn't...coz everytime i tried..she just critised me to no end...the last time i swept the floor..she complained that the floor is still dusty....when i washed the plates...the plates weren't clean and stuff....and more....and sometimes..i really wanted to hug her as everyone did when they were young...but each time i did...she just give me that expression....that..her shoulders are turning rigid as though she is being attacked...

since young, i don't remember any incident of me hugging my mummy...and my father carrying me piggy back on his shoulders...in fact they didn't.

since young, i don't remember any fond memories...those fond childhood memories that i have...

My life seems to be blank for the past sixteen years of my life...where i just grew strong with those love from pple around me...is that love to begin with? I used to ask...whether my parents do love me after all....by justing providing me with materialistic benefits...like clothes..shoes..textbooks..and stuff...

Well, perhaps this is their way of loving me...

perhaps...they just have a much different way of showering love, care and concern for me...

from young..i have been striving for the best...the best results..the best performance...but for what?

When my results are bad..i got stern looks from them...my dad doesn't say anything..while my mum would be like giving me killer stares....and as i grew older...all these were gone..perhaps they realised that i have grown up and know what's best for me...

These years..ever since sec 1....everytime i got my results back...it is like nothing to me...at first i will be excited...then i will show it to my parents..then..they have no reaction...no praises or scolding..whether results are good or bad...haiz..

until O levels results...handphone is my reward. FULLSTOP.

Nothing else....except for the fact he scolded me coz my phone bill is too high...

i know that im childish....but sometimes i really feel the urge to ask them whether they still love me a not...childish me..but i really need some assurance...

Yes..you may say that all parents love their kids...but i really need some assurance...

----

exams are coming...i better draw up a revision timetable...and i must follow it...hmm...maybe i think that im not going to any class outing anymore...im tired for everything...im really tired...of everything..anything..every single thing...just want everything to end soon..